Don't Make Me Smack You...

So here is the dealio. All my life i have found it insanely easy to make friends, probably the benefit of having moved well over a dozen times, you learn not to be shy. I talk alot, with my family history there is a never ending supply of ridiculous stories that can be used in almost every occasion. This helped immensely when roughly 2 years ago i interviewed for a job working at a shoe store on the weekends; the ability to say with a straight face 'No of course that shoe doesn't make your toes look freakishly long' and pretend like i care that they are getting married in 3 months and need silver strappy heels for the 7 bridesmaids. I used to think i was a people person but a few short weeks working in retail cured me of that real quick. I thought i would share with you the things people do that make me want to shove the shoe in their hand down their throat, in no particular order. 

1. Don't glare at or ignore me when i greet you; I don't actually care if you're having a nice day or need help, it's apart of my job.

2. When i say- Sorry we don't have that in stock. It means its out of stock. I'm not lying- why would I?" 

3. Don't look at the price sticker and then ask me the price- you already saw it, i did not spend hours putting stickers on shoes for fun, quit being a tight ass, if you want 20 dollar shoes go to K Mart

4. When i tell you we are having a special, LISTEN, that way i don't repeat myself 20 times. EG

"Hi we are having a special today, all shoes that $40 and under you can buy two pairs for $50!"

"So all shoes?"

Don't be an idiot, LISTEN!

5. When you pick something up, put it back where you found it. Real simple. 

6. Don't ask for discount; if it was discounted i would have already told you

7. If you don't have your receipt don't come back. Yelling at me wont make me want to help you, it will make me call every store and tell them to fuck you over

8. I have what you want, talk to me as a human being. If you act like i'm something you stepped in trust me when i say i wont be helpful to you. Respect goes both ways.

9. If we close at 5, unless you know EXACTLY what you are buying do not show up at 4:55 and expect us to let you shop, i have a life too and it doesn't include staying behind an extra hour for no reason. 

10. If my arms are full or i am on the phone DO NOT TALK TO ME OR ASK FOR HELP, wait until i'm not already busy.

11. If i am standing on a ladder and pulling at boxes, this is not the time to distract me. I don't enjoy having heavy wooden heels flying at my head. 

12. MOTHERS PAY ATTENTION! I am not a baby sitter but i will yell at your kid. Don't let your kid run wild while you ignore it, mumbling every few minutes 'don't do that darling'. When your kid comes over to you with a metal rod where we hang handbags sticking through its head don't look at me. Leave the kid at home or in the car- didn't hurt me none

13. Don't eat or drink in my store. Or if you do THROW IT AWAY. A rack full of shoes is not a rubbish bin 

14. You have a mobile- CONGRATULATIONS. But i don't need to hear your business, keep the calls quiet or outside. 

15. If you smoke please don't do it in front of my store, i prefer my lungs without black spots.

16. I'm not psychic, i don't know what stock others stores have, do i look like a crystal ball to you?

17. I'm 20 not 2, don't act like i'm a kid when i tell you something and ask to speak to my manager, she's just going to repeat what i said. 

18. I don't think you're a crook but i have to check hand bags. I don't care what's in there as long as it isn't our stock. If you didn't steal anything don't be a bitch about it.

19. Do not tell me what it wrong with our stock. I don't make it, i sell it. So your a size 7 and it doesn't fit? Check another size, cause let me tell you the hundreds of other size 7 customers haven't complained.

20. Don't ask me about boots when its 40 degrees, crazy ppl

21. And finally, don't ring and ask if we are open, if we weren't why the hell would i be answering the GODDAMN PHONE?

Anything i missed??