life suck

It really, really does. Right now i am really hating life, i mean i'm alive, i have a fully functioning body and i'm not psychotic life should be pretty peachy right? Wrong, because miserably, people can't be miserable if they can't make other people miserable too. I fucking hate those people. I am sick of trying to make other people understand me. I'm sick of being hated for being myself. I quote RENT-

take me for what i am, who i was meant to be, so if you give a damn take me or leave me

Sadly for me most people take the leave me option. It all really starts with something trivial and stupid; a get together or a a night out. I'm having an off day (something that is more common than not), feeling flat and not in the mood to put up the fake smile and pretend like everything is honky dory- that is something we so don't say enough... So instead of inflicting my bad mood on my friends and bringing everyone down into my depths of despair and ruining the night for everyone, i stay home. My psychologist said that this is a good idea. I have to learn when to say no- I can't make others happy until i'm happy. Here's the thing- to make others happy I HAVE TO BE FUCKING MISERABLE!!!

I wish they could understand exactly what it is that goes through my head. How it feels to be me every single day. Fragile. It's like i'm living on an earthquake line and at any given moment it could shift and i would come crumbling down. I may seem ok but that doesn't mean shit. It just means that today i found the energy to pull myself from my bed. Life's a bitch and then you die.. so true

Listening to: Monster- The Automatic
Eating: Doritoes- Cheese Supreme
Thinking about: How i should be in class right now
Watching: Supernatural S2
Wearing: long hippie skirt and white singlet
Reading: The Great Gatsby- it's ok