i remember

i'm supposed to pick something from my childhood and tell it to my class. I never really liked my childhood and so reliving it through writing isn't exactly my idea of fun, so i picked the event that was the worst in my childhood, my reasoning is that if i get that out of the way, everything else will seem trivial and maybe then my class can understand why i am the way i am, but i'm not expecting miracles, if i don't understand myself what are the chances anyone else is?

I’m not what I would call very open about my life but here goes. First I’ll get rid of all that obligatory crap, I’m Holly, 18 and female. Well that’s me done, next. Well I guess I could elaborate but why do you care it’s not like my life is oh so interesting, well compared to the life of a snail I guess it is or in contrast to watching paint dry listening to my tale of woe is probably preferable. So here goes, I was meant to pick out a story from childhood, well my childhood sucked but I do remember random good parts. I remember playing Indian’s in Carla’s front yard in Echuca, I remember going camping, but all in all it’s true what they say, it’s easier to remember the bad than the good. I remember the funerals I had to go to, I remember listening to my mum cry every night for a year and I remember that afternoon when she wasn’t there and all the other parents were looking at me with a mixture of sympathy and pity, most of all I remember the day I went to see her at the hospital and the way she looked so frail and scared. I don’t like to remember it but it is what is prevalent in my memories.
That day sucked for numerous reasons, it was the day of my netball grand final and my mum had promised to be there, but she wasn’t, I remember waiting out the front of my house for her car to pull in, but it didn’t. My dad picked me up and took me to the game, his phone kept ringing but I didn’t understand his one sided conversation, all I heard was she’s okay, he talked to the parents of my friends and they kept looking over at me sadly, I didn’t know why so I just continued to warm up with my friends, playing on the park equipment, singing the Spice Girls and complaining about school and how we didn’t have Mr. Dwyer as our teacher anymore, he was everyone’s favourite, mainly because of the ten sneeze rule and also because he rocked. I remember wondering where mum was all during the first half, I remember the huddled conversations that would abruptly stop when I came near, I distinctly remember the last few minutes of the game, the coach grabbed me by the arm and looked at me and said
“Do it for your mum” I was confused, what was she talking about? What did she mean? We lost the game, and that sucked in itself but what was worse was after, sitting glumly on the bench outside the arena, my dad sitting next to me and telling me my mum was in the hospital, she’d been hit by a car. He was so angry, so hurt, I cried the entire way to the hospital, my dad yelling at me to stop being so weak and that’s when the worst thing happened, we pulled to a stop and he turned to me, his eyes were cold and his face ashen, Stop crying you’re the reason she’s in here. I never forgot that moment and the way the air sucked out of the car and I felt dizzy, after that it was a little hazy, I remember seeing my mum in a white hospital gown with dozens of tubes coming out of her, I remember my aunts and uncles hugging me and telling me it was all going to be okay, but the only thing I heard was what my dad had said.
I remembering sucking back the tears until I was safely locked in the bathroom only then allowing myself to feel them run down my face, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry, and also I think I was scared to, he was scary, he still is.